Dear Auntie Belle,
Last
month I accidentally lit my asshole on fire in a freak accident
involving paint thinner, a book of matches, and my youngest child's
birthday party. Long story short, I promised the kids a fireworks
display but couldn't afford the good stuff and I had already eaten 3
bratwursts and nearly a quart of pork n' beans.
Will I ever poop normally again?
Dear Will,
It
depends upon whether you were referring to your anus or that neighbor
about whom you continuously complain? Exactly which was set aflame? I do
have an antidote that would work for either, I guess. It is somewhat
involved and requires you shear the pigtail off an elderly Chinese man.
Meanwhile, drink grape Kool-Aid in vast quantities. It isn't lethal but
will counteract the abuse you enjoy visiting upon your colon.
Auntie Belle
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