A. P. Email

Dear Ms. B. M.,

I am a content executive for the Associated Press Wire Service and we have been monitoring your column for any public interest content that we can troll, I mean share in our newsfeed. 

Unfortunately, the subject matter, style and information shared cannot be put out under the AP name due to certain FCC regulations and such.

So we would appreciate it if you would:
A) Refrain from any negative references to the Amish.
B) Desist from congratulating readers for escaping concentration camps
C) No longer advise readers to roam around the city halls naked with their second wives strapped to their backs (I assume you saw our news report on this from Nephi, Utah the other day.)
D) Do not publish letters from the NRA or any other right wing organizations without our first vetting them for appropriate meanness,
E) Refrain from taking remunerations from naked Facebook users without express permission of the wire services.

If you want to be famous and successful, you really must tone it down quite a bit. And please, leave alone the Amish

Fred Pseudonym
AP Brethren- er, I mean Editor, (whatever that means) 

Dear Fred,
I can smell Amish or their sympathizers a mile away. You have infiltrated the government, the media, Aldi's and Walmart. Just the other day, Amish led police on a slow-speed chase to a barn-raising. Know what they found inside that barn?

The Amish are Anarchists and are planning the destruction of anything colorful in this world. I have enough ammo, food, water and medical supplies to outlast the holocaust you will be visiting upon this nation. I didn't shoot those clay pigeons, win all those contests for fun. Now go deflower a goat, and leave me alone.

Auntie Belle