Baby E. T.

Dear Auntie Belle,

I am eight years old and I think my parents are aliens from another planet. The other night I had a bad dream and I went to their room and they were in some sort of pose together, that looked like they were maybe trying to be an antenna and hoping to signal a far-away star. I will leave it to your imagination how wild and odd looking their arms and legs were posed to create such a device out of two bodies, because I am only eight and I don't have the words.

In the morning, dad looked exhausted and mom seemed full of energy and -- I don't know, happy? I've never seen them like this before, and I was wondering if this meant the invasion is on the way. I have never seen mom's relatives as she is what they call undocumented.

Is it dangerous having an illegal alien for a parent? Or maybe two? Will I get whisked away by a space craft? Or the INS???

Baby E. T.

Dear Baby E.T.,

Your parents aren't aliens, they are filthy, immoral beasts whom God shall slay with his mighty Sword of Justice when they least expect it. Maybe He will do that for your birthday, and you can find a better set of parents! I'll even pray for that! Meanwhile, there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny nor is there a Tooth Fairy! LIES! There IS a God, and He is watching everything you do. And, of course, I am real. Believe in God and in Auntie Belle - we both care about you. But don't make any mistakes, because that could change.

Auntie Belle