Notice to Readers/Inter-Office Memo/Secretary Wanted???

Dear Hap, 
Please post the following message to the readers as I am Auntie Belle's new secretary. We are old neighbors so it is easy for me to do the job.

To The Readers (February 28th, 2014)
Auntie Belle is going out for Mexican - she always wanted to try one, therefore she won't be available until Jose is satiated. She is rendezvousing around 11am until 1:30pm Eastern Standard Time or thereabouts. Please inform anyone who needs her advice, she will answer their questions and solve their problems as soon as she returns.
Thank you,

 BG

PS (Just to Hiram): Hap, she's meaner'n a snake! Don't tell her I said that - there's a funny smell coming from her garage…and why would a modern woman such as she have Amish buggies covered in blue tarp all over her property. This is a mystery I must solve before…I quit this j.. Uh, oh…

Secretary Wanted

Dear Happy Hiram

Please put a notice in today's column: Wanted: Secretary for Auntie Belle. Must be able to type and mind his or her own business. Must also sign a contract wherein nothing seen or heard whilst at this job can be divulged until 10 years after my demise.

Auntie Belle