Two Hours Sober

Dear Auntie Belle
Every time I drink lately I find blood in my stool. I'm 95% certain it's not my blood, 50% certain it's my stool but I'm 1000% certain it's in my pants. Thanks for any insight you may have.
Sincerely,

Two Hours Sober

Dear Two Hours Sober,

I suggest you get to a proctologist ASAP and allow him to insert a camera into your colon and film your innards. A few men have walked away from such examinations with an unexplained feeling of euphoria. I see you are from a northern sate, therefore it couldn't possibly be too much cinnamon flavoring in the Shine. In the South, this is so common it's the first thing that came to mind. If a heavy hand flavored the shine, it numbs the anus, so you can drop a load without any awareness at all.That's why it is sometimes called gay anus-aftershave, but it can't be that for you, right? The cinnamon tends also to numb the entire body and the sense of smell, not to mention partly dissolving the colon wall. Congratulations on your new record, by the way. Perhaps you could shoot for an entire three hours sober tomorrow. Good luck.

Auntie Belle