Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Auntie Belle Speaks

Dear Readers,
I realize after having done this for so many years that most people have problems they believe are insurmountable. I also realize that some of you will take my advice lightly or ignore it altogether. Therefore, I thought to offer some stories about others who made that same mistake…
It was a clear autumn day when I stopped in my favorite bar. My friend, Jack, was expecting me and had my favorite drink waiting. As we sat at one of the tables chatting, our mutual friends, Lee, and  Richard, joined us. Lee pulled a deck of cards out of his shirt pocket and began dealing the hands for our usual Euchre game.

As we played, the three men out-lined plans they had made - plans they believed were fool-proof. I saw the flaws immediately and urged them vehemently to abandon them. They scoffed at my alarm, and the results were deadly. Lee and Jack would die; Richard would enjoy only temporary success, but then came Watergate. Richard was a stubborn man; he refused to believe in Auntie Belle's advice regarding that, as well. Oh, but he came crying to me after it exploded in his face! I was the one on that erased tape. He didn't want historians hearing about my knowledge of that day in Dallas nor did he want them to hear me berating him and affirming that he was, indeed,  a crook. 

I advised The Family that Charles Manson was a psycho…but they ignored me. I advised Jennifer Anniston not to marry Brad Pitt, and I told Ellen DeGeneres that Anne Heche was not a genuine lesbian. I advised Charlie Sheen he was replaceable, so warned him to behave, and I told Jay Leno to stop with the Obama jokes. They all ignored Auntie Belle, and they all paid the price.

People who took my advice? Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Donald Trump, Charles Shultz, Aristotle Onassis, Walt Disney…to name a few…

Unfortunately, I have noticed an increase in letters from ignorant rednecks, felons, angsty teens, pimps and sluts. FYI: You are useless, worthless and unworthy of my time. Still, I will offer my advice knowing full well you will choose your own paths and wallow in your own folly. May God trample the grapes of wrath upon your heads and upon those unfortunate beings you may spawn.
Love, 
Auntie Belle

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