No Sound Sleeper in Iowa

Dear Auntie Belle,
I grew up in the city and now I live in Iowa and the silence is killing me. The crickets are maddening and the sound of the corn in the wind is like forty old broads in crinoline running down a too narrow aisle in a department store.

My boyfriend doesn't even snore!!!

What can I do? I tried playing loud Wagner symphonies all night but the neighbors complained - from four miles away. Cymbals? A barking dog. Something please!

No Sound Sleeper in Iowa

Dear No Sound,

You aren't in Iowa; you're in Arizona. You're not on a farm you're in a cell. How are you getting these letters past the jailor, Jodi?

Auntie Belle 

Note to self: Contact Sheriff Joe; Arias is trying to set up an insanity plea.