Skankassed Wife

Dear Auntie Belle

I'm certain my skankassed wife is cheatin but I can't prove it. I need her to admit to it so I can get custody of the bitchin three gallon fondue pot her cousin gave us as a wedding gift. Now I just can't come out and ask her cuz she'll just scream " GO TAKE A BATH, YOU SMELL". I've studied some on havin her hypnotized but until I get better at forging moms disability checks that's gonna be cost prohibited. I am truly at a loss here Auntie, I desperately needs your help. Shit, Auntie, the whole damn world needs your help here, just think if Mary had admitted too two timing Joseph none of us would have to blow six to seven dollars every Christmas on scratch off lottery tickets. Do me and the whole christian world a favor by telling me how to trick that cheatin bitch into admitting she's been tuggin someone else's jimmy.

Skankassed Wife

Dear Skankassed Wife,

It's your father who's tapping that, so if you care anything about him and the jimmy that may (or may not) have produced you, do not use explosives. I have a contingency of the lowest-bred skankiest-assed lawyers in the history of the Bar who, if you provide a photograph of your skankassed wife, will take her on…uh, in the legal sense and procure you a divorce. Not only will you gain custody of the fondue pot but also the Blue Tick hound chained to a box in your yard. However, if you are called 'Sugar Bear,' have a …companion named June, a household full of gaseous, ungraceful, ill-mannered teens and a chubby child you call 'Honey Boo Boo' (for some ungodly reason), then use the explosives. Even my lawyers have standards.

Auntie Belle